May your soul finally rest now. You were and are an inspiration to many, including myself. A true revolutionist at heart. You deserve all the respect for simply daring to be the difference. You stood up to fear and spit directly into its eyes; went to no man’s land and back. You are the epitome of courage and superb intelligence. Sending lots of love to his family. May they be at peace.
helps remain calm.
Lights, they consume your eyes,
like flickering stars
blinding your every move
with their meticulous dancing.
your voice gains weight,
thoughts speak for themselves.
Hear the things you block daily,
allow them to seep in,
perhaps they have a message.
Beware of temptation,
It will crawl down your spine.
Like a call from the wild,
your skin will scream for it.
You must not allow it to take you,
unless, unless it’s that person.
words taking form.
They travel my lungs
they are one with the smoke.
I have inhaled the reason
behind my latest goodbyes.
I’ve thought a lot about you recently. I try to imagine scenarios in where you’re here and give me sound advice on how to deal with my problems. I’ve thought about what you’d think of my hair, would you complain at how short it is or how I want it shorter? Would you be standing at the door waiting to scare off every man whose tried to win my heart? Would you hunt them down after they’ve broken it? I wonder what you’d say about my taste, about my choices, about how I don’t like ketchup in my rice like you did. Would you also think it’s weird I don’t like seafood? Would you read the things I write, have made guided me into art school instead.
I write you know, maybe not as good as you did, but I do. Sometimes I think about this, as I watch the ink spill from pen to paper. I try to imagine what you thought about when you wrote. You wrote so much about love, you made it sound so magical. I have the song you wrote for me in my special box. I read it every now and then, except I don’t know the tune, it’s just lyrics, I wish you could be here to play it for me.
To me you’re just words, stories, pictures; I can’t quite remember what it was like when you were around, I was just a baby. I wish you could be more. I stare into the mirror and I try to find parallels between you and I, perhaps my attempt to bring us closer. If I could just find the smallest resemblance then I can know you better.
It’s been 19 years, I’m 20 now. Would you have been traumatized at how quickly I’ve grown? I always ask about your quirks, they always say you were extremely witty. Whenever I make a smart remark they say I am just like you. Am I really?
You know it’s hard being in the inbetween, I’m no longer a child, but I’m not a yet full adult. A lot is expected from me, and I expect a lot from myself, but I fail sometimes. I trust the wrong people, make stupid decisions, fall too quickly, say more when I shouldn’t and say less when I should. I wish I had your composure.
I sing, can you hear me? Maybe it’s not with the same amount of grace you had, but I do it all the time. I try to imagine what you must’ve sounded like, the range you were in. My mother says it was beautiful, but she also says I sing beautiful, it’s her job to say that. She gets really excited when she hears me, sometimes she cries, then says it’s something engraved in my blood. I never knew veins could stream notes, or that the heart could carry songs, until I saw words come from my mother’s eyes in the form of tears.
Today you would be 46. That’s still young. That’s the unfortunate part, you were taken so soon. If you could see me, please forgive what you’ve seen, as not everything is what I’d like it to be. You see, I’m just the rough draft of a manuscript that is not yet ready for publication. I am a story, that needs a lot more molding and editing in order to make complete sense. My plot lines have not all been written down, there is a lot of red pen markings in certain areas I need to change.
But, I am your daughter. This I know. This I could never change. I hope one day I become what you envisioned me to be, I hope one day I do find you, in me.
— Kevin (My friends are wise people, that’s why I vibe with them).
Last year this month, I had red hair, I had not yet fallen for anyone, because I met Mr. Luci way after new year, yeah omg. Damn, time goes by way too fast, also, my hair grew way fast, I had pretty short hair from the whole cutting it all off thing I did during the summer. During Jan, I had a smal bob, which eventually grew out into the Cleopatra thing I had going on for a while.
I sometimes wonder what would have happened had I chosen to stay in the secret corner I started off in. Had I actually gone through with the whole “make no friends” plan I had when I first moved here. I would probably be dead. My friends have saved me, and I never tire of saying that because I am lucky. I am a lucky person. Even with all my misfortune, it could have been way worse. Much much worse.
Thanks to Adrian I have a couple new movies to watch :)
So distractions are totally set. I just finished watching Project X, yeah totally rose the bar for me when it comes to party expectations.
Also I have my favorite teddy bear, since I was a baby, with me, so I will cuddle with it. It’s small, but it will have to do. All that’s missing really is some pizza and a cold beer.
When I first moved here, I met someone. Christian. I’m glad I did because aside Gaby, whom I consider my first actual friend, Christian has been there for me through a lot of random and terrible shit.
He was the first person I told about my hideous line of diagnosis, because I was scared of what I had just discovered about myself and I felt so out of place. He was the first person to notice something was in fact wrong with me. Whenever I wanted to run off and leave people behind to release the adrenaline rush the anxiety attacks produce he would tag alone quietly so I wouldn’t be alone. He wouldn’t say anything, he would just follow me. To make sure that my crazy didn’t kick in and I didn’t jump in front of some moving car, or disappeared and had one of my breakdowns alone. When I wouldn’t eat because of said anxiety and random bouts of depression, he would buy me food and make me take it. Even if I didn’t eat it there, eventually I would have to eat, and he made sure of it.
This guy, was my first crush here. Nothing ever happened because we never told each other how we felt, and simultaneously put each other in the friendzone. I watched him fall in love with other girls who didn’t treat him very well, and he watched me get played or hurt guy after guy after guy. It’s been two years now. I think it’s funny.
Here’s why, we are reflecting on what could have happened had we told each other originally what we felt. Now, in essence it’s irrelevant. I love him, yes, but only as a friend. But, perhaps he is right about one thing. Had we gotten together we probably wouldn’t have been hurt as many times as we were.
BUT, I’m glad I did. I’m glad I got hurt and learned. When I first met Chris, I was cynical about the whole idea of love. I would have probably done what I always do. I would have left him after I saw things were getting too serious. He, on the other hand is the total opposite. He is a hopeless romantic, I could’ve crushed his poor little heart. Who knows.
What I do know is I learned a lot of things in this two year period:
Had it not been for D showing me poetry and sadness, I wouldn’t appreciate happiness the way I do.
Had it not been for Gabo showing me kindness and affection, I wouldn’t expect it from guys, because I had written them all off as dicks. He also showed me the importance of honesty. I wasn’t honest with him, and his reaction showed me how terrible that is. I’m always honest now. (I didn’t cheat btw, just putting it out there. I just didn’t like him the way he wanted).
Had it not been for Darwin showing me patience, I would kill every fucker alive. This man required my patience and I had to pull it out of my ass to make shit work, even though of course it didn’t at the end, I know it wasn’t my fault. But, I learned a virtue, which is the good thing.
You see, all of them taught me something. I am not afraid to have feelings, nor to fall anymore. I needed these people in my life. Therefore the what ifs in life, they are worth shit. Every choice leads to something right. Every choice is the right choice. I’m happy.
Besides, we are better off as friends. :)